Into Oblivion To Find My Home
by faorism
Summary: AkuRoku. As Axel lies in the arms of a brunet boy that he both knows nothing and everything about, dying a little more with each passing second, it is the image of his Roxas bucking wildly into his warmth that springs into mind.


Author's Notes: So, here I am… again. This little plot bunny attacked me partway through DaLDoM, when my editor asked for a fiction that involved snow. Rated M. There are spoilers for both CoM and KHII. I wanted to practice different writing techniques, so please be patient.

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Footfalls beat incessantly against the immaculately clean white tiles of one of many endless halls, each a little cry of boredom of its own. They emitted a slight echo that rang in the ears of the sole figure in the space. Tall columns lined his path, all carved out of the rarest materials of the known universe. Although he knew them quite well, he couldn't help but trace their massive trunks with his eyes. _So much glamour… How unnecessary_, Axel thought, his thin face twisting into a bitter scowl. _Maybe The Superior had planned on more members, enough to fill the numerous rooms that _still_ remain empty. Too bad there were so few strong enough to make it through the process—ha! And there are even fewer now!_

The joyous feeling that filled Axel's chest with a sudden burst of glee was gone the moment after. "Home" (as The Superior insisted that the members call the fortress that was their base) had been silent for too long—far too long for the redhead's comfort—but he knew better than to be suspicious. With five members of the Organization gone, each of the remaining eight was forced to take on more work. There was hardly any time for relaxation anymore; it was always "search for this thing in such and such a place" or "investigate the disruption amongst the Lesser Nobodies in District twenty eight ten, Sector blah number blah letter." Day in, day out, the requests were endless and repetitive. And with the increased work load, the members spent even less time at the castle than before the Oblivion Incident. This bothered the slim redhead walking down the hall to no end. How was he supposed to keep an eye over the rest if they were never at Home?

Then again, was there even a point to his efforts? Everyone now knew what the redhead was capable of and how far he was willing to go to exterminate any traitors. They also knew that it was not a strong sense of allegiance that led Axel to do this; rather, the redhead was merely a scheming, miserable creature that thirsted for their blood on his hands. They all guarded themselves against Axel, wary that even the smallest hint of disloyalty would send the self-proclaimed vigilante after them.

Today was a rarity. Excluding the usual chore-like jobs that must be done everyday, the Organization was given a day off. When Axel returned from counting the inventory of Lessers in his Districts, he had sensed the presence of only six other members, which of course caught his interest. Which one was missing? He spent the last thirty minutes walking around Home, seeing who the six were and what they were doing. Luxord was in one of the sitting rooms. Xigbar was training. Xaldin was in the kitchen. The Superior was in his private chambers with Saïx. Now, Axel was on his way to see the final member present.

The awkwardly thin redhead made a sharp turn as he reached the correct door. Recognizing it immediately as Demyx's quarters, he found himself disappointed. He understood now why he was so determined to look for everyone present at Home: he was hoping to meet up with a certain short newbie. _Damn that Roxas_, Axel cursed the blond for having such a hold on him. And yet, although he was well aware of the dangers of being too attached to any one thing, Axel couldn't help but wonder,_ Where is he?_

_Demyx's as nosy as me. He's bound to know where the fuck Roxas is_. Knowing better than to walk in with a frown, he licked his lips once over, forcing them into a devilishly handsome smirk. Axel pushed the door open, finding a blond by a wardrobe at one side of the bedroom. The blond jumped and turned his head quickly in Axel's direction, his eyes round like a child caught doing something he shouldn't have been doing. Although it lasted only a second, Axel saw a glint of melancholy pass through Demyx's eyes as he saw who had entered his room. But, as aforementioned, it was gone as soon as it had appeared, replaced by a smile that might have seemed sincere if Axel hadn't known better.

"Hey, baby," Demyx said, his voice smooth and crisp. "What's the miracle that has you coming into my room? Lonely?" The blond turned his entire body around now, leaning up against the wardrobe.

"No miracle, Demyx. Just wanted to see what you're up to."

Axel walked over to Demyx, and the blond's eyes hungrily ran up and down Axel's form as he neared. It was obvious that he was undressing the redhead in his mind, remembering how the lithe body had moved above him once upon a time; remembering how it felt to be overpowered by a man who only desired complete dominance over whomever he slept with. Axel instantly deciphered the intense gaze of blond, deciding to play upon the vulnerability the other presented by showing his desire. So, the redhead stopped as close as he thought proper, which, in reality, was him standing between Demyx's legs with much less than a foot between them. "Going somewhere?"

Demyx had hardly heard the question, being so distracted by fucking Axel with his eyes and all. "Hmm?"

Axel eyed the casual clothing the other was wearing, as well as the accessories he donned. "You're not in uniform." He placed a gloved hand on Demyx's neck, sliding his index finger underneath the thin choker the blond had on. Being so close to Demyx, Axel could see the subtle makeup the blond wore around his brilliant eyes.

"Oh, yeah." With his exclamation, Demyx seemed to remember whatever it was that had caused his initial sorrow when Axel arrived because the blond's eyes dulled. He sucked on his teeth as Axel waited for a response.

"Well, Demyx?"

"I'm going out."

"Really? The Superior frowns at casual human interaction."

"I know, I know. But I'm horny." Axel nodded understandably. He was about to make some inappropriate comment when he felt the pressure of Demyx's hands at his hips. The blond's grip was firm, and he used his right hand to casually knead Axel's flesh. "You know, it's gotten so dull around here. Everyone cute is dead. Marluxia's dead. Larxene's dead. Zexion… is gone. And maybe he wasn't the hottest thing around, but it was always fun to mess with Vexen's head. Everyone left is too macho for my tastes, spoken for, or, in Luxord's case, not interested in my parts."

"Good point. I'll make sure to come up with some elaborate fabrication if anyone happens to ask where you went." The blond nodded, smiling absently. Demyx's spirits were unnaturally low, and Axel couldn't help but be concerned about his… friend's current mental state.

Axel noted his hesitation with distaste: _Ah, how pathetic you are! E__ven after everything you've been through with him, you can barely call him a friend in your head. Has The Superior's conditioning finally taken over you, like it has with Saïx? You'll be cold, cruel and uncaring. It'll be like how it was before… before Roxas. _The tall man couldn't keep but feel a moment of frightfulness, with the dual fears of going back to his prior loneliness and of progressing _because_ of the newbie plaguing his he wanted to move forward, and more than anything else, he wanted Roxas. Axel could be—no, Axel _was_ compassionate. He moved the hand at Demyx's neck to his cheek, saying "Is everything okay, sweetie?"

Demyx's hand stopped its kneading, an all-knowing sigh escaping his lips. "Don't 'sweetie' me. Not when you don't really mean it."

"What're you talking about? I mean it."

Resentment flashed on the blond's face. "So prove it to me." Demyx roughly pulled Axel closer, the latter's pelvis held tightly by the blond's thighs. Something inside Axel's chest tightened, irritated and somewhat alarmed by Demyx's forwardness. As Demyx's fingers played with the edge of his pants, Axel pondered over this interesting reaction. He knew he wasn't getting hot off of Demyx's flirtation, not that the thought of doing the blond necessarily disgusted him. It was when the image of Roxas' youthful face flashed before his eyes that Axel recognized the uneasy churning in his stomach as anxiety. He didn't want to cheat on the newbie. He almost laughed at the ridiculousness of his emotion, but he accepted it for what it was; Axel would rather acknowledge this weakness than try and cover it up. _Calm yourself_, Axel had to remind himself when a new burst of annoyance rose as he felt the pads of Demyx's fingertips pressing against the skin at his hips, _and remember what you came in here for._

Axel took a step back, forcing some distance between him and the sexually charged, emotionally unstable male. Despite the painfully obvious rejection, Demyx didn't seem at all surprised that Axel had done so. It was as if he had expected as much; and this only concerned Axel more. "What's the matter? You've never had a problem with me calling you 'sweetie' before."

"I told you. You don't mean it anymore." Demyx's voice was so soft, so sad, that it made the sweet-faced man seem like a very attractive, but equally weepy, teenaged girl. Just as Axel was about to protest, Demyx said, "You can't see it, can you?" When the blond saw the slight confusion on the other's face, he sighed with sympathetic condescension. "It's Roxas, Axel. He's changing you; softening you. You're getting too attached. I know from asking around that you haven't touched anyone but Roxas since he's showed up, and that you haven't let anyone touch him. Man, you can't even imagine how much time I spend thinking about what it would be like to be with him." The lustful coo in Demyx's voice as he spoke about Roxas disturbed the redhead. Demyx noted this and quickly conceded, "I'm sorry. (I forget to be decent when you're around. Old habits die hard, you know?) I would never do anything with him, even if he begged. I would never hurt you like that."

Sadness rose in Axel's belly. He knew that the blond was always, in a way, different from the rest of them. He didn't have the severity of his fellow members, and that, as well as his occasional goofiness, was what made The Superior think of him as weak and somewhat superfluous. "That's assuming that it would hurt me," Axel remarked. "And that I'll mind him being with someone else. I understand that what we've been doing is technically against our nature as Nobodies, and I have no control over what he does. As I recall, monogamy is for humans."

The blond laughed—a genuine giggle that made Axel relax, grateful to hear any sort of true happiness out of the… out of his friend. "So we're going with that now? I guess that means you won't mind going out clubbing with me instead of going to District eleven zero eighty-three, Sector thirty-seven R, where he happens to be." Demyx smiled widely as Axel realized his intentions were so easily read by the other. "You want me to repeat that for you?" Axel shook his head resentfully. "Good. I don't want to be rude or anything, but this little talk is totally making me late. I want to get laid by someone really hot tonight, and they'll all be taken if you keep me here."

"Fine. Go to your little club. I'll see you later?"

"Sure, sweetie," Demyx said, holding out the last syllable of the pet name as long as he could. Axel truly enjoyed Demyx when he was playful like this. That was what had attracted the redhead to the shorter Organization member in the first place. Before he realized what he was doing, he leant down, bringing his lips to the blond's. Demyx sighed into the redhead's mouth, moving his lips softly. There wasn't the slightest hint of sexuality in the kiss, just the memory of what once had been. Even so, as Demyx pushed Axel lower and lower until he was practically on his knees, Demyx's mouth pressed harder, desperate for something Axel now understood he could never offer his friend. Axel felt gradually more uncomfortable until he finally broke the kiss.

Demyx still had his eyes closed as Axel straightened himself and turned away from the blond. Axel held out his hand and, concentrating on the Location Code Demyx had given him, called up a portal. It gurgled as it ripped open, purple tendrils snaking out from all sides. He was about to step through when he turned around, seeing Demyx miserable in the same position he was in a moment ago. Axel licked his lips over, his voice tender as he said, "Demyx, no matter what I say about the Incident in front of the others, I truly am sorry he's gone. He was good to you."

Demyx opened his eyes slowly. "He was, wasn't he?"

"Don't go around thinking you're betraying him," Axel insisted, knowing his suspicions were correct by the blush rising on Demyx's face. "He didn't mind you being with others when he was here, and Zexion certainly won't mind now."

Demyx flinched hearing his former… former lov—bedmate's name. After shifting his weight between his feet, the blond nodded, smiling the fake smile of a widower trying to hide her pain. "Okay, Axel." Demyx was just placating Axel, but the redhead didn't say anything else as Demyx continued to dismiss the new topic of conversation, "Seriously, Axel, I'm telling you, Roxas is softening you up. At the rate you're going, you'll be dead by the end of it." Maybe the redhead had overdone it by actually naming the source of Demyx's grievance rather than simply using a pronoun. Whatever the case, Demyx finally moved from his spot against the wardrobe, turning Axel away from him. "Now leave me be. I still have to pick out my shoes, and we all know how long that can take," Demyx said, shooing the other into the still open portal. "Roxas is probably waiting for your lazy ass, so go! Go!"

As Axel was pushed through the gaping opening, he was overwhelmed with the usual breathlessness that comes from traveling through this nameless place that lay betwixt and between the very fabric of the worlds. The sometimes pale, sometimes vivid colors swam through his vision, and he couldn't hold back the nausea he always felt when he walked through the vacuum. Apparently, he was the only one that felt this way when traveling through the tunnel. Something about this place was eerie only to him and maddened only him, as if he knew a secret about this place that was so securely hidden that he could no longer recall it. And the uncertainty of what could happen and of what he might lose in the process made Axel wish he could simply walk from world to world instead of this way of traveling. So, his strides lengthened indefinitely as he crossed the short tunnel and into the blinding white of the exit.

When he opened his eyes, he thought for a split second that maybe he hadn't passed into District eleven zero eighty-three, Sector thirty-seven R and that he was stuck at the white exit of the portal. He was quickly corrected by the chill that nipped at his face and then the freezing cold that followed a second later. Hearing the shouts of birds in the distance, Axel saw the blanket of virgin snowfall covering what he presumed was meadow grasses. The whiteness of the clouds and falling snowflakes disoriented him; the only sense of separation between ground and sky being the pine trees that encircled him.

The redhead frowned as he searched for the blond newbie, hoping that Demyx didn't tell him the wrong Location Code, which he'd done in the past just to fuck around with Axel. He took a step forward but a dark blob in his peripheral vision caused him to stop short. Turning to it, a sweet smile crawled onto his mouth. It was an honest grin that reached his jarringly green eyes, making them shine wildly. Even though there was some distance between him and the boy, Axel could see that Roxas was lying down in the snow, his jacket off and probably under his head. As usual, Roxas had on a white shirt, rather than a black one, despite the fact that he was in uniform. _If only The Superior knew that his new pet disobeyed the number one rule of the uniform—well, number two if you consider that one must always wear the uniform on a mission a rule._

Axel began walking toward his lov—bedmate, when he was suddenly nauseous again. He stopped, staring at the lump that was Roxas with newfound hesitance. Axel tried to move forward, but couldn't find the strength to do so. He racked his brain, searching for what might be doing this to him. It wasn't long until Demyx's sad voice entered his head as he remembered what the blond had prophesized: _Roxas is softening you up. At the rate you're going, you'll be dead by the end of it._

Axel was not one to fear death. Axel thrived off it, dealing it to others or simply volunteering himself for ridiculously dangerous missions, the latter of which always found a way to piss off Roxas so much that Axel wouldn't get any for at least two weeks. Death was more natural than anything else in the universe, even if the same may not be true about the means to reach it.

However, it was the thought of Roxas ultimately being the cause of his undoing that caused this wariness in Axel's mind; that filled him with the desire to go back to Demyx's bedroom and either seduce the blond or, if he was unsuccessful, go out clubbing and find some random, willing stranger. Axel knew the unlikelihood of him actually sleeping with someone other than Roxas, but still… Was he okay with letting someone become his greatest vulnerability, even if this someone was Roxas? Axel understood that it was too late to lessen the attachment he had with Roxas to friends-with-benefit status. Also, casual sex with Roxas seemed too cold compared to what Axel had gotten accustomed to. Axel needed the shorter male to wake up beside him every morning to reaffirm the redhead's own sense of purpose and self. Ecstasy filled him just thinking about being with Roxas, whether they were sexual at that moment or not. He had desires and if he wanted them fulfilled, he wasn't going to go to anyone but Roxas. Plus, Axel cherished hearing Roxas moan his name as he twisted within the sheets. _But can you say that you're willing to give everything up for him if… no, _when_ the time comes? Will you honestly be tempted so easily by the poison that is his flesh?_

"What are you doing here?" Roxas' exhausted voice startled Axel from his thoughts. The redhead saw that the littler of the two was still lying in his spot on the ground. There was a straight trail of footsteps from where he had appeared to where he had stopped. _So, it seems you have made your choice… _A surge of emotion sprung up, temporarily disrupting the redhead's vision. _Roxas… my weakness, _Axel thought, and he found a part of himself indulging in this newfound discovery.

Realizing that Roxas was still staring up at him, waiting for a response, Axel calmed himself the best he could and smirked, putting up his classic façade of arrogance and ease. "My, what an impolite child we have here. Is that honestly how you greet everyone?" Axel stood with his arms akimbo, bending at the waist so that his shadow engulfed Roxas. "No wonder I'm the only one who can stand you."

The blond made a face, groaning, "Axel, I'm not in the mood for your bullshit today. If you're going to act like a complete ass, just leave me alone."

The redhead heard the strain in the other's voice and recognized that Roxas was actually upset. Axel frowned; thankful he had his jacket on when a breeze passed. _What is with everyone today? Did they all meet and decide to be moody together?_ In reality, Axel knew that Demyx had been down ever since the Oblivion Incident, for obvious reasons. Roxas, on the other hand, was hardly ever like this. And when he was, the blond never wanted to be alone, preferring to be in Axel's company even when he wasn't depressed. Although slightly annoyed at having to dig his knees into the cold snow, Axel knelt down next to the blond. "I'll behave," the green-eyed man promised, tenderly brushing off some snowflakes that had landed on and stuck to his bedmate's face.

When Axel began pulling his hand back, the blond lifted his, taking Axel's wrist within his fingers. Roxas tilted his head toward the gloved hand he held captive, bringing his freezing lips to the other's knuckles. "I haven't seen you in a week, Axel."

"Sorry. I had to track a group of rogue Lessers in one of Marluxia's Districts and eliminate them. It's getting hard to control the Lessers our dear, late fellow members left behind. I brought it up with The Superior, and I think he plans on either replacing them all or making an example out of the strongest. We definitely don't need another rebellion from them now."

Roxas absentmindedly nodded as if to say he didn't have any interest as to why Axel was absent. To further this point, Roxas said plainly, "I was looking for you. Tell me before you leave on another extended mission."

"Since when is a week considered an extended mission," the redhead teased.

Roxas sighed, pulling the glove off of the hand he held. Axel's long, pale fingers flexed as the cold licked them. Almost immediately, the redhead's fantastical instincts started up, summoning up warmth to the palm of his hand. Axel hated wasting energy so superfluously but could do nothing to stop the building heat. It first inched up every finger before filling the entirety of his hand. Momentarily pausing at the base edge of his wrist, the energy burst, spiraling up the length of his arm and to the rest of his body. Roxas watched Axel's expression with a smirk, knowing exactly how far the magic had been sent at any given moment. Axel always forgot how much the blond actually knew about his body: he knew about all of the redhead's magical quirks; how much control Axel had over said quirks; the locations of his few scars—as well as where there were once scars that had gradually faded away; where he was so sensitive that a single, well-aimed kiss could drive him into a frenzy of moans. Axel, who was now coming to understand the extent of the other's power over him, suppressed another wave of uneasiness.

"Since when?" Roxas put the now warm hand against his cheek, lavishing in its heat. "Since I wanted to see you, but you were nowhere to be found."

Axel grimaced, pressing his hand harder against his bedmate's flesh. "You're freezing."

This statement was not an exaggeration in the least bit. Although his skin was the usual lively beige and his lips weren't twittering, Roxas felt like solid ice, especially when considering how warm Axel's hand was.

Roxas puckered his lips, saying, "Don't worry about it."

"You're going to get yourself sick."

The blond let out a hollow laugh. "Don't fool yourself, Axel. We don't _get_ sick. You should know better than to suggest that we do."

The boy's negativity was definitely not like his usual irritable self. "I don't know what you're trying to prove, but it's not funny," the redhead growled. "Come on. We're going to go inside, find a place to sit and talk about whatever is making you so fucking bitter." Even if Axel's voice was as forceful as his words, his actions spoke otherwise. He pulled off his second glove using his teeth, putting this hand to Roxas' cheek while moving the other one down to the boy's neck. He scooted nearer, hovering close to the blond. Even his green eyes, so dazzling and clever, couldn't hide the concern their owner felt.

Roxas stared into these eyes momentarily before quickly turning his away. "I've been really tired lately." Axel hmm-ed at the response, sitting down with his leg pressing into the side of the other's abdomen. The redhead took the hand on the boy's neck and moved it to the blond's sweet tresses. As Axel went to kiss his bedmate, Roxas suddenly whispered, folding his arms over his face, "It's happening again, Axel."

"What?"

"I tried. You know I tried really, really hard, right? I did everything Xemnas"—_what does The Superior have to do with this?_—"said, but it isn't working anymore. Not only did they come back, it's getting worse. I can now actually… Fuck," he mumbled, voice constricted. "Fuck."

First seeing his bedmate's mouth purse and then hearing sobs escape these lips, Axel felt a tinge of emotion as he touched Roxas' elbow. "What's happening again?" The boy shook his head. The taller man had no idea what was troubling the boy who gave worth to his miserable existence; he did, however, know that there was something that both Roxas and The Superior had kept from him. He trusted the latter less than any of the other Organization members since Axel understood how manipulative his leader could be and how much he was willing to hide to maintain order. (It was this attitude that nearly cost him his life. If it hadn't been for Axel, Marluxia might very well have succeeded in his coup d'état.) The redhead _knew_ most of the supposed "secrets" The Superior was so desperate to keep undisclosed. To think that something about Roxas—_his_ Roxas—escaped him! One thing Axel hated more than anything else was to be in this sort of situation: waiting for information because he didn't have it himself. He felt so…

_Helpless_, Axel identified. _Powerless. Pathetic. Just the thought of not being able to help him hurts. _

"Come on, Roxas. I'm freezing my ass off, but I can't leave you all by your lonesome. How about I take you back Home"—Roxas flinched as he always did when hearing the title of the base—"and we talk about this?" As the blond opened his mouth to respond, he was stopped by a finger pressed against his lips. "Now, before you say anything, I want you to know that you're not allowed to refuse in any way, shape or form. I'm quite determined and won't take 'no' for an answer."

"Whatever Axel," the boy said, moving his lips away from Axel's finger. "Do whatever you want." Axel was slightly disappointed, having been half-expecting some protest. Making a face, he collected his gloves and stood up, extending a hand to his bedmate while ripping open a portal with the other. Although he had yet to move his forearms from covering the upper portion of his face, Roxas responded to the offer by simply muttering, "You're going to have to help me up."

Axel put a fist against his waist and asked, "And why would I do that?"

"My entire body's numb. I can still move my arms alright, but I can't even feel my legs." Axel rolled his eyes but offered no other sign of complaint, already leaning down as Roxas added, "I'm sorry."

Axel pulled Roxas' jacket from under his head, placing it on the boy's stomach. "What's there to be sorry about?" Taking off his own, Axel threw this jacket over his bedmate. By an extremely rough estimate, the jacket was twice as long as the blond; it was so much larger than him that it seemed as though he was covered with a black blanket. The redhead tucked some stray hairs behind Roxas' ears, sliding his arms under the blond and lifting Roxas effortlessly. Axel sidestepped into the portal. Taking a moment to calm his nerves, he walked through the flamboyantly colored tunnel. The boy Axel held was so still that the redhead would have sworn he went to sleep if he couldn't see the blond's glossy eyes staring into the eternal distance of this realm.

Having gone through the exit, Axel found himself where he began: a long, impersonal hall. Axel stepped rightwards toward yet another unmarked door. As Axel shifted his load around so that he could turn the handle, Roxas' arm snaked around the taller man's shoulders. The blond breathed on his bedmate's earlobe softly as the door opened. The room was exactly like all the other bedrooms at Home, with everything being as white as the hallway; however, the two knew it was _their_ room. They could tell by the feral scent that enveloped the room, the sort that only their kind could sense: a fragrance that was so pungent from all their nighttime romps, when both would moan and grind and bite and scream and writhe and gasp and sweat and plead and cry _uuuhrightthere_'s and _yesyes!pleassssemore!uuhohhyeahharderahh__**harder**__!_'s. They touched and played there; laughed and kissed there; spent night after night within the other's arms… and all to express the total devotion and lov—lust they shared.

"Are you going to stand here all day like an idiot, Axel, or are you actually going to move? I would rather not be found by Xigbar in your arms like this… again," the blond remarked pointedly. "It would play out exactly like last time: Xigbar will tell Xaldin, who'll tell Luxord, who'll tell Saïx, who won't actually do anything because he's too busy being Xemnas' lapdog to absorb any excess information, and would have told Zexion and the rest if they weren't dead. See, that wouldn't be so bad; but, despite the promise we all made never to tell Demyx anything, he'll find out anyway and then I'll never hear the end of it."

Letting Roxas finish his mini-rant, Axel begrudgingly entered their bedroom as he grumbled, "I'm the one carrying you and your heavy self, and you're complaining? Where's the justice in that?" The redhead closed and locked the door behind him before crossing the room to their bed. He dumped Roxas inelegantly onto the mattress, smirking as he took off his shoes and put them next to his side of their bed.

Roxas grimaced at having been dropped so suddenly, using his arms' strength to move into a more comfortable position. Both his and Axel's jackets slipped off of him, respectively flopping against and swishing to the floor. "Fifty-eight days, Axel. Fifty-fucking-eight days of hearing about a minute of my life I will never forget. I'm allowed to annoyed about that, okay?"

Axel pushed off his snow-moistened pants, tossing them into the hamper in the corner furthest away from him. One of Axel's eyebrows lifted as he went back to his default, arms-held-akimbo pose. "You make it sound like it's my fault."

"It was," the blond haughtily retorted as he continued to shift around.

"Don't lie to yourself. If I remember correctly—"

During an attempt to remove his left boot after successfully doing the same with the right, Roxas miscalculated how much force he should use in taking off said boot and yanked it off in such an obscure angle that, despite his foot still being partially numb, he yelped in pain. Axel stopped mid-sentence, immediately closing the distance between himself and Roxas. His hand flew to Roxas' ankle as he called up heat. The blond relaxed, lying down as Axel nursed his sore joint. "Axel," Roxas moaned quietly.

After some time, the redhead climbed up onto the bed, situating himself between the other's feet. Axel cursed himself for having forgotten about Roxas' current condition, as well as what the boy had done to get himself into such a state. As if to find some forgiveness for a sin he needed not be excused for, Axel gingerly slipped his bedmate's socks off, the newbie's wet pants following shortly afterward. Hot hands pressed against Roxas' right thigh and left shin, both unhurriedly gravitating about the length of the blond's cold, numb legs. The littler Organization member shuddered at such a subtly erotic sensation, closing his eyes as he slipped off his damp shirt. When Axel was satisfied with the temperature of his bedmate's legs, the redhead leaned over, his hands leaving the skin he was massaging to the lean plain of Roxas' abdomen. He moved his knees underneath those of the blond, moving forward until his boxers were flush against Roxas'. Axel, twisting some of his joints in a silky, serpentine way, brought his lips to Roxas' neck, lightly kissing the flesh. The blond's breath quickened.

As he continued his sultry circles on the short boy's chest, Axel whispered into Roxas' shoulder, "What is it that you and The Superior are keeping from me?"

The blond's body stiffened momentarily. Just as one of Axel's fingers feathered over the boy's nipples, Roxas wrapped his arms around his bedmate's middle, drawing him closer. "How about we forget about that? It's no big deal. Let's not ruin the moment."

Axel nipped at Roxas' jaw, chuckling quietly. He kissed the boy's lips, green eyes locking with blue. "What will really ruin the mood is if you don't tell me, and I walk out of this room, find The Superior, and beg for an _actual_ extended mission. I heard he has an operation that might last a solid _four_ months." A crestfallen trepidation rose in Roxas' eyes since he knew that Axel's threat was honest. "And if I come back from that one and you still won't tell me, I'll find another, longer mission. And I'll do the same thing again and again until you tell me." The redhead withdrew the magical heat from his left hand and brought it to his lov—bedmate's ear. "Don't fuck with me, Roxas. You won't win."

Axel gave Roxas a minute to collect his thoughts. The two were still, the only movement being a blink here and there. Finally, Roxas licked his lips and, anguish lining his voice, confessed, "I'm beginning to remember…" The blond shifted and embraced his bedmate harder, burying his face into Axel's shirt. And although the end of the sentence was muffled in the black fabric, Axel didn't need to hear it; Roxas had meant to say: "I'm beginning to remember _what_ _it_ _was_ _like_ _being human_." _No_ _wonder_ _he's_ _a_ _wreck_, Axel thought.

Delicately, Axel threaded his fingers through the other's hair. "Why didn't you tell me earlier, Roxas? I could have helped. I mean, we all went through it once. You didn't need to keep it a secret."

Roxas turned his face so that when he spoke, the redhead could actually hear him. "No, Axel. You don't understand. When I say remember, I'm not talking about recalling facts. I _see_ the memories." The taller of the two's eyes widened as he attempted to reel back; Roxas' arms, however, prevented him from doing so. "And I can taste them, and hear them, and _feel_… Fuck it! I can _feel_ what _he_ felt." Roxas let out a sob. "I'm so scared, Axel."

This was probably the last thing Axel would have ever thought up for being Roxas' secret. This was… against their nature; against everything The Superior had told them about their species—and, yes, the man had lied to his comrades before, but not about this; no, definitely not about this. Before they died, Marluxia, Vexen and Zexion, the three most intelligent members from the original Organization, all agreed with The Superior's theories. But if what The Superior said was true, that meant Roxas was… transcending the limits of their species. No wonder why Axel never found out about this particular confidence; The Superior must have done everything within the extent of his resources to make sure this was kept secret.

Axel breathed in deeply, hoping to conceal the alarm he felt at this newly acquired knowledge as he asked, "What exactly are you scared of?" With this question came a series of violent sobs. Axel, feeling more pathetic in his uselessness than before, could only lamely hush his bedmate.

When Roxas could finally control himself, he faced Axel again. If the hands clawing into Axel's shoulder blades did not scream vulnerability, then Roxas' doe-eyed, waxen face did. "In almost every memory, there's… a boy." The blond bit his lip. "_He's_ in love with the boy, Axel." Roxas took another pause. "_He_ loves him more than anything. _He_ loves the way the boy laughs, and walks, and runs, and how his hair shines in the sun. He's absolutely amazing, and sweet and kind and just... perfect." The way in which Roxas' tone softened as he described this boy caught Axel's attention. Axel felt his attitude darken severely as he realized that Roxas' eyes, which had been so full of worry a moment before, were now tranquil. "Sometimes, he's all I can think about. I'm afraid that one day it'll be too much for me, and I'll have to run away just to be close to him. He has the most beautiful green eyes."

"Roxas," Axel snarled, startling the boy from his trance. The redhead, breathing heavily, unlatched his bedmate's fingers from his back and pushed the blond away from him. Seething, he hissed, "Don't ever, _ever_ talk about some other boy's dazzling eyes in our bed, Roxas."

Roxas didn't need to spell it out for Axel: Roxas was remembering how his original self had loved a boy; Roxas did not only recall how it felt, but could actually feel the emotion; Roxas was—was…

Sitting up, Axel covered his face with his hand as realization washed over him. "You're falling in love with him, aren't you?"

"Don't be so loud. You know that word's taboo around here. If anyone hears you—"

"Screw them! Does it look like I give a flying fuck what they think about me? _They_ mean nothing to me." The redhead sputtered out an indistinguishable series of agonized curses and jumbled syllables, fisting the hand that he was leaning against. He was getting caught up in the moment and he recognized how ridiculous he was being as his temper overpowered him—and he knew better than to slam his freshly formed fist against the footrest. For goodness fucking sakes! Axel was not an unyielding child, nor an excitable teenager, nor some impudent young adult after all; he was a critical component of the most disparaging association to have ever reigned over any part of the known universe, let alone covertly control its vastness. Axel, once so menacing and conniving and tough, was now losing his stoic demeanor more and more with each passing second as a single train of thought ran through his head: _He loves a _stranger_, and is willing to leave me to find him—meaning that the second he can't stand being separated from the boy, Roxas is going to _abandon_ me_.

He almost laughed at the bitter irony that developed from his multiple revelations in the last half hour: Axel was willing to die for a boy who loved a green-eyed man that was not him.

It took the shorter of the two several minutes to build up the courage to move, getting up on his knees before crawling over to the redhead. The blond carefully sat down on his bedmate's lap, pushing the hand over Axel's face away. Axel could see the sincerity on Roxas' face, as well as the pain he had been suppressing for who knows how long. It was this picturesque countenance of fragility that had drawn Axel to the other all those months ago; and it was due to this countenance that Axel could acknowledge that no part of him was resentful toward the littler Organization member—no, far from it. Roxas was not the one at fault. And even if Axel could somehow deceive himself into believing that Roxas did have a choice in the matter, the supposed vigilante would never have it in himself to be furious at his bedmate. He… cared too much.

Roxas was waiting for Axel's reaction. Breathing in, the redhead's face contorted into yet another false mask: this one docile and joking. He shrugged his shoulders indifferently as he said, "It's fine, Roxas. Even if you become so infatuated with the guy of your dreams that you up and leave, I'm a big boy. It's no big deal."

Fatigue flooded Roxas' features like a blush. Something close to impatience caused the blond to pout, closing his mouth before he said something he would regret later. Axel's little act had obviously not tricked Roxas, and the redhead expected as much; he had put none of his usual jubilance into his voice and had sounded just as empty and cold as he felt. It might have worked on Demyx or any of the other members—but not the slim male whose arms he had spent night after night between. Roxas could, and did, see the pain etching into the other's eyes and curious lips. "Axel, forgive me," the blond pleaded. Pressing his body against the taller man's, the blond put his mouth against the sharp angle of the redhead's jaw, suckling it as his fingers trailed the same angle on the opposite side of Axel's face. "Please don't pretend like everything's okay. I know you; you're planning to find a way out of this. But, please, Axel… I need you now. Don't leave me."

Although he knew he shouldn't be content at hearing such insecurity in his bedmate's voice, the desperation in Roxas' heavy request reassured Axel that the boy was, after everything was accounted for, _his_. The blond would actually resort to begging (something he resented more than anything else) to make sure Axel did not abandon him. Was Roxas' request just another ironic twist in the grand scheme of things? Probably. Was the blond being selfish for asking Axel to stay by his side? Almost definitely. Yet, this was it: the test of Axel's devotion to his ultimate weakness. Hadn't he just told himself that Roxas meant everything to him? Could—no, _wouldn't_ live without him? If that was true, this new complication shouldn't change anything.

_I shouldn't have gotten up this_ _morning_, Axel sighed to himself as he tipped forward, spilling Roxas onto the mattress. The littler of the two seemed surprised by this reaction, making it clear that what he had been expecting was much more violent. Pulling off his shirt, Axel positioned himself above the other with his knees burrowing into the sheets at either side of Roxas' hips. Axel kissed Roxas full on the lips, tongue taking only a moment before seeping into a more than willing mouth. Every dip and edge of the blond's teeth was territory that Axel had long ago memorized but he still had to feel them each, wondering if there might be something he missed during each one of his past excavations.

Snapping slurps exited from a tiny partition between two hungry mouths that were otherwise tightly pressed together. The taller man, rekindling some of the heat in his hands, brought his fingers to the boy's torso. Roxas squirmed from the sudden touch but was used to the awkwardly high temperature and didn't whine as he once might have done. Once Roxas' body adjusted to the queerness of the warmth, Axel would compress and contract the magic, playing around with the blond's senses until the boy would writhe with even the smallest alteration. With a hand tracing the skin over the blond's ribs, Axel's fingertips circled one of Roxas' hardened, pink nubs, teasing it with a quick flick. Roxas throatily moaned into the redhead's mouth, tentatively grabbing onto the back of Axel's hair and forcing Axel's tongue to explore deeper.

When it came time to breath after waiting until the very last second they could hold out, Axel's neck snapped back as he gulped for air. Seeing the intoxicatingly pale, stretched neck presented to him so defenselessly, Roxas (after taking a moment to catch his own breath) did the first thing that came to mind: he licked up what he expected was Axel's jugular, nibbling on the curve connecting the redhead's neck and jaw. Roxas' name was gasped wantonly, the five letters being dragged out for as long as Axel would physically manage.

It was then that Axel remembered that he did in fact have more than just a head, neck, and two arms. Smirking, he clasped onto Roxas' sides and began to move his lower body against the blond without letting a second go by where their boxers weren't firmly pressed against one another. In the position they were in, it was almost as if the taller man was riding Roxas; a tidbit that Axel was well aware of. The redhead also knew how rare it was that Roxas got to feel this particular sensation; so it came as no surprise to Axel that, as his ass moved against his lov—bedmate's growing erection for the fourth time, Roxas abandoned his biting and threw his head back into the pillow, nearly convulsing with pleasure. Enjoying that he could elicit such an aggressive response (as well as liking the sensation much more than he had expected to), Axel increased his speed. In response, the blond's hands flew up to cover his mouth in a failed attempt to muffle the embarrassedly loud scream that spilled out of his open lips.

And now, as Axel lies in the arms of a brunet boy that he both knows nothing and everything about, it is this image—his Roxas bucking wildly into his warmth on their bed—that springs into mind.

This image is the only true memory Axel has of that fateful night: not his disgruntled thoughts toward the impersonal hallway; or the white clarity of the snowy field; nor Demyx and his eerily precise prophecies. Not even the finer details of his and Roxas' conversation survived the span of the last year. Fuck, Axel can't even remember if they had gone through with it as always, with Roxas receiving the other man's thrusts, or if Axel had actually ridden Roxas that night!

And now Axel almost laughs at the ridiculousness of his timing: here he is, his aching body evaporating into wisps of winding smoke, and all he can think about is sleeping with Roxas. Right away, Axel takes back this thought. That was a night more precariously precious than any other he has ever experienced. It was the singular night that so completely sealed his fate. It was the night that, as the two lay (quite satisfied) in each other's arms, Axel had said that fatal whisper. "Don't worry about anything, Roxas," the green-eyed male told the blond. "Even if you run away, spitting on my face before you go, I'll go after you and I'll find you." And noticing the pained expression on the blond's face, Axel added, "I promise that I'll help you find your happy ending—even if it doesn't include me."

Ah, what an instrumental addition that was!

And now Axel is saying something to the brunet but the two really don't really give a shit about what comes out of his mouth; the brunet not caring because he doesn't remember and Axel not caring because he remembers too much.

But Axel is okay with how it has all played out. Even if Roxas did end up abandoning him for that green-eyed boy in his dreams; even if Roxas had been so reckless as to be willing to sacrifice his memories in hopes of meeting his true self; even if Roxas would never remember all the time they had spent together, Axel is content. He had made a promise to the only one that ever really mattered. _But_ _now_ _he's_ _gone_, Axel has to remind himself. Axel was never able to prove to Roxas how faithful he is to their relationship. Roxas will never know that when Axel saw the brunet who now held him, the tall man knew what he had to do: protect him. Although he had made a traitor out of the once-prided vigilante, Axel wanted to make sure he did what he could to help the blue-eyed brunet. It only makes sense to the redhead that he make a martyr of himself to save the desperate brunet, when, in reality, the boy is nothing more than a mere echo of Axel's former bedma—lover. It's not like Axel doesn't know this, because he does. And he's okay with that too.

And now Axel can feel his very existence—whether it's true or just an illusion—at the brink of destruction. It's… soft and—and sweet-smelling. As he looks up into the eyes of the brunet for what will most definitely be the last image he ever sees, Axel is caught off guard when an echo of anguish churns in the blue orbs, and the redhead can't help but smile.


End file.
